I AM NOT A BEDTIME STORY!

I’ve learned how to blend into society

<3 The Grinder <3

V-Day

Its a funny thing, Valentines day…because everyone is either having a great time being a couple, or being drunk/stoned being single. I happen to be single. And therefore, you peeps KNOW im not sober. My friend and I just shotgunned beers for the first time in my bathroom…we’re not sure why guys love it so much…maybe the Bro needs to make a reply regarding this… I may have accidentally shot beer into my face in the process of making these beers that we shotgunned…

hmmmm

<3 The Grinder <3

Recollections

This morning I woke up and chatted with my room mate and her brother about the day before. The two of them had gone to Disneyland on some edibles and had been very high the whole time. This is the conversation that occured:

Roomie: I was on Haunted Mansion and it was so dark I couldn’t see anything! I was so high!

Her Brother: You were wearing your sunglasses dude!

Roomie: Well that would explain that

Ohhh how I love my room mate, this is why we were aways meant to be room mates. Now when it comes to me, well I ended up being straddled at a party while laying on a lawn chair next to a pool in the back of the house.

As always, have a fabulously messy evening, Love,

<3 The Grinder <3

The Truth About New Years

The one thing I have learned from my many years of celebrating New Years Eve is this: When people make life-changing resolutions, inspiring pacts, and heartfelt promises, it can all be traced back to one thing: A shit ton of alcohol.

Happy New Years!

- Scoreboard

Who knew?

After a week of severe illness, who knew the best way to feel like myself again would be to black the fuck out? I knew all along….

"Our school needs to get it’s shit together, and then throw it all away…"

-The Grinder

The Bro

Lingerie, Fellatio, and a Dash of Mystery

A few months back, I decided to partake in what the students of my institution formally refer to as the “Undie Run”, and for those of you unaware of what that is, please allow me to fill you in.

Undie Run stands as the modern day equivalent to Sodom and Gomorrah of the biblical age. Everyone’s experience differs slightly here and there, but allow me to provide you with a basic outline of the night for all involved. 

Stage 1- Arrival (Full function of body and mind)

Stage 2- Intoxication (Slight loss of motor skills, confidence begins to rise)

Stage 3- Disrobing (Vision blurs, words slur, confidence begets arrogance)

Stage 4- Running (Control of body relinquished to the Mr. Hyde that dwells within, ego so big they don’t make a cup size for it)

Stage 5- Passing out (Exhaustion and alcohol consumption induce coma, memory loss in full effect)

Mission accomplished, gentlemen.

On this particular undie run, I had the good fortune of running with several friends, I won’t bore you with specifics, but there is one, relevant to the story, “The Betch” (name given with complete respect and love). I find myself at the pre-game roughly a block from campus, upon entering the house, my heart melts at the sight I see before me. SoCo, C Mo, UV for every color of the rainbow, in the moment, as i gazed upon the glorious slight before me, a single tear ran down my cheek.

"I love you…", I utter to the sight before me.

About an hour or so of excessive alcohol consumption, and semi-nude kodak moments take place… god I love having so many busty female friends…

Fade to scene in front of library, to the untrained eye, one may think they were gazing at an orgy, but children, let me tell you, an orgy exists merely as the training ground for those woefully unprepared for undie run. I experienced the next few minutes not as a typical observer, alcohol and horniness through everything in sight at me ala a Batman comic strip.

Boom- Ass

Bap- Titties

Bang- Legs

KaPow- More ass

By the time my drunken mind could process the visual overload, it occurred to me that most of the thousands of lingerie clad runners had vacated the area, leaving me and The Betch in an isolated, secluded, drunken state. It was like a post-apocalyptic film, except with less zombies and more bad decisions. No words coherent words needed to be spoken, intentions were clear, a sloppy mess of a hook up WAS going to happen, regardless of whether or not we wanted it. Being almost a full foot taller than The Betch, I found it much more efficient to pull, drag, and at many points, carry her through the run; I can only imagine the sight as I forced our way though the gauntlet of cops and local residents coming out to see the event.

After a good mile or so of drunken athleticism, we reunite with the main crowd, which for me, could not have been worse. My horniness goes up as my sobriety goes down, and folks, I have seldom been this intoxicated in my entire life. Giving one last big middle finger to sobriety, I sit down with her on the steps of a class building, and slip into “shit housed” level of drunk. Upon sitting down, The Betch proceeds to give what I hope was fantastic fellatio, unlike any the world has ever witnessed before. The type of blow job that poets write sonnets about in order to ease the aching in their hearts…..

Or at last I hope so, because I have no recollection of any of it, my eyes closed drunk, and reopened about 12 hours later annoyingly hung over, every sound echoing loudly in my eardrum like the percussion section of the London Symphony Orchestra, not exactly sure how I was able to wander back to my bed. The only thing I know for sure is that I woke up with glitter on my dick. To this day, I look back on that night with a smile, a pat on the back, and a “good job old boy”, but one question will haunt me to this day, when she finished…. did she have the common courtesy to pull my underwear back up?

-The Bro

A bottle of UV at the party is like seeing an old friend who taught you everything you know about partying

The Bro

An Introduction of the “Bro-ish” Sort

Well hello there ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, allow me to introduce myself. I am The Bro, and I am here to declare my presence on this tumblr once and for all. While all you are gossiping or grindin’, I’m out there making stories, some I’m proud of, most I’m not, but hey, when the world decides to cum on your face, the least you can do is smile and say thank you.

More to come ASAP.

The Bro

Flying High with a Kite

xoxo

Gossip Guy